So I was nearly robbed the other day,
Two dudes came up looking to snatch my headphones.
They came at me from the back see
When they grabbed me, all I could think was Hell no.
Hell no things like this doesn’t happen in Barrhaven;
Not in the suburbs.
Hell no,
Not after you have lived in
And walked through some of the roughest areas
Ottawa has to offer unscathed.
But it happened.
And honestly, I’m poor as shit
With not much to offer but a pocket full of lint
Like, my umbrella may be classy
But I swear my dad’s a cabbie
And we got it for free
We didn’t even pay a cent.
Alright, I lied,
I had my headphones
And two hundred dollars;
A brother just got paaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiid
And I kept it in my backpack.
But even then all I was willing to offer them
Was my pocket lint;
They could have that.
I looked them both in the eye
One of them had my headphones in his hands
And he was like,
“What?! What are you going to do?!”.
Saw me going for my umbrella
And so he asked,
“What?! Are you going to swing that?!”
I said Hell yeah and let him have it too.
I swung for his head,
He let go of whats mine to defend
Grabbed the umbrella
And called to his friend
Like, “Grab him! Grab him!”.
So I thrusted the umbrella into his stomach
Let it go and was on him
Punched him in the mouth and eye
And elbowed his friend in the chin.
I broke my headphones
So they couldn’t have them
And did the manliest thing I could think of….
I RAN!
I ran as fast as I could!
From a bad beating,
Legs beating,
Heart beating.
But I got hit in the leg in the process
Damn!
But I had got away!
They were getting back into their car!
But, they were talking shit
Aaaaand I have a big mouth….
So I shit talked back.
I asked him how his eye was
And he came at me like a dart
And I was his bulls eye.
Now word of advice,
If your would be attackers
Are getting back into their car while shit talking you
You won!
Don’t talk shit back!
Because they WILL chase you
And chase he did!
So I did the second manliest thing I could think of
I RAN!
I ran from a bad beating
Legs beating,
Heart beating
Like,
“Boom, Bap,
Boom, Boom, Bap”.
Or it had been had I not broken my headphones
But at least the fuckers didn’t get them
And I don’t regret that.
He grabbed me by the bag
And tried to get it off me,
I elbowed him twice to get him off me
Then did the third manliest thing I could think of
I took off see?!
I was hoping they lost me!
But they came at me with their car
And that’s when my fourth manliest moment kicked in
I ran
And I hid.
Then did the fifth manliest thing right after
I called the cops.
Head beating,
Heart beating
I forgot I had asthma
Best believe it had me wheezing.
And that was it,
The end;
The cavalry had arrived
Jokes aside,
I was terrified
And I’m still paranoid of lone walks
And black cars to this day.
Survival is more valuable than pride.
Its fight or flight and I did both
And to my muggers,
Thank you for not being cliché
Thank you for not telling me to break myself
Oh by the way,
How’s your eye?
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