Hands Waving

"You couldn’t save me
If you tried

Hands waving

Goodbye

You can see it
In my eyes
Cuz I ain’t afraid

To die."

I wrote that at the snot nosed

Age of seventeen

And see

A lot has changed since then.

I’m older now,

Kinda have a beard now

Some fear now

And kind of a weird style

But listen

I’ve learned that it’s far from macho

To not fear death,

In fact,

You’re foolish if you don’t.

You can see it in the eyes

Of the little kids in ruined homes

As they lose hope

Being choked

With bruised throats

So tell me you don’t fear death

Mr. Big Machismo

Tell it to the kid on chemo

Even people

Who’re living heroes

Fear death.

I saw it in my pop’s eyes

The day his mom passed,

Yes,

The impact stressed

His fear of mortality

Even after months had left

Punk, I guess

You’ll see it in our own eyes

Three years from now

On those nights

When the fear is the only reason you survive.

So don’t look to death

Look alive

You don’t look impressed

Look at life

If you’re not convinced

Look at mine

Look at ours

What we faced

For eleven hundred days.

Let’s call it fate,

Let’s call it whatever, whenever

To hang up in its face.

Let’s leave that call waiting

Cuz you’ve yet to find your calling

And when you finally do

It’s gonna be amazing

So put your chips all in

And fuck trying to be that

Hollywood dude.

You do more good

Staying low key

But the high note

In the lives of those you meet.

And foes will speak

But don’t let those quotes make you weak

Fuel to the fire

Make your flow unique

Soul of a lion

Like it’s supposed to be

Get it Mr. Big Machismo?

Now you know what I know

What we know

That even people who’re living evil

Fear death.

See this poem is what

I’d tell you

If I could

If I had that chance.

The seventeen year old snot nose

Writing bars, ignorant

Of life and death

But pretends like he understands.

I used to think I knew it all,

Hell, I still think I do

I always was hard headed

But never weak hearted

To the seventeen year olds now,

Life will get you down

If you let it.

But stay strong,

Stay vigilant

No matter the twists and turns

Hits or burns, gifts or curse.

Just stay strong,

Stay vigilant

Mourn death

But celebrate life.

Stay strong,

Stay vigilant

The last thing

To die is hope.

As for me,

I can’t change my past

However,

I can update the lines I wrote:

Like "We can save each other

If we tried

Hands waving

Goodbye

You can see it

In my eyes,

Apollo the Child

Is afraid to die."

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Heart Full of Love

It’s been a long week

And an even longer summer right?

She won’t speak,

And I’m longing for the winter right?

I want peace

And a little bit of dinner right?

But no one calls me

And my wallets getting thinner. Like,

I walk the concrete

With only a heart full of air

And a bag full of love.

It’s all I got

But I’m thankful for the snub

When I was dragged right through the mud

When life was through for us

And I passed right through your slugs.

                       

Cuz

I was told we were in for some rain.

Shit,

I look up to the sun

Like that happy little fucker

Ain’t ready for some change.

So I prepare for it to rain

As much bullets

As I sweat

My choices.

Feelings suck

And I wish I could

Void this

Voiceless

Trying to find another way

To avoid this

But I find I still apologize,

I say sorry

And she says

It’s about time.

I say that’s true

So we should enjoy

The little we got

On this little bit of rock

But it’s strange;

She was looking for it to rain

So I took the horse by his reins.

                        Shit,

I look in his eyes

Like that happy little fucker

Ain’t ready for some change.

So we ride off,

With a heart full of love

And a bag full of air

That’s all we needed.

And all that emotional baggage?

Leave it

For someone else to feel it

For someone else to receive it.

                        Shit,

It’s kinda selfish

But I done gave and gave

Till the contents of my safe

Hidden in my rib cage

Ran empty

I try to save a little face

While I’m waiting for the rain

Cuz all my little faith has went away

In a blaze, I watch as it raged

                        Shit,

Looking at those flames

Like those happy little fuckers

Ain’t ready for some change.

So they went away

With a bag full of hearts

And the air was full of empty

But what sense does that make?

I’m tense and I ache

I tried to take my own life

But the Heavens wouldn’t let me.

So I think about my friends,

The ones that I have,

The ones that I had,

And the ones that I’ll never make.

Whatever,

Don’t let that revolving door

Hit you in the ass

On your way out.

See this little crow

Was made to be alone

And so,

I’d like to dedicate this poem

To anyone who’s out of their zone,

Element,

In the cold,

Irrelevant,

Alone.

Cuz see there’s more than one way

To skin this cat,

Peel it back,

Let’s see where my liver’s at!

Feel my back

While I spit my fever raps,

Peel it back

Cuz there’s more than one way

To feel this cat.

So I roll out,

Hit the concrete

With empty pockets

And empty little fists.

And a bag full of air

And a heart full of something

That I no longer

Believe exists.

So I’ll pass

Right through her slugs

And I was told

We were in for some rain.

                        Shit,

I look at myself

Like this happy little fucker

Ain’t ready for some change.

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Sandcastles

My counselor told me that it may be a good idea to write this out. A way to get all the bitterness out and so I can let go and move on. Cuz I won't lie it is a little hard to just move on but this certainly has helped. Hey, I'm human right? Oh...and no offense to anyone with neck tattoos, I'm just a little bitter.

Kick down this sandcastle

That I built for two

And watch me as I try to hop

These barrels.

See she was too hot to handle,

A pretty little thing

Who shoots me down in flames

Like moths and candles.

Here’s a confession;

I never was any good at picking

The women I choose

To let in my life

My counselor thinks

It’s self destructive

And, shit, my last relationship

Kinda proves her right.

But like what makes a person

Change their minds

Almost over night

About how they feel?

I can never get it right,

I can never get it right?

But what am I supposed to do

With how I feel?

Shit, our first date was kinda funny;

See I have this nervous habit

Of talking fast

Like, “Love sucks

And I’ll curse a little bit

But the first to admit

That I’m love struck”.

I’m just a skinny dude

With a rotten past

But she had also a nervous habit

Of picking at scabs.

She picked at her finger

Till it trailed blood

So we made her a makeshift Band-Aid

That just didn’t last.

Maybe that’s all I was,

Just a new scab

For her to pick

Just a new scab

For her to pick

But I’m all picked out

And when it’s a full moon,

She gets cursed and sick.

Far from a phoenix

More like a coloured buzzard right?

She was a lycanthrope

With nails that can slice through rope

Slice my throat

She-Wolf of Winchester

It’s why God gave you them claws

Don’t be shy

Don’t use them sparingly

Stick them in my flesh

It’s why God gave you

Them talons.

And I was honestly

Going to stay tight lipped

About us but that’s not why

God gave me this talent.

When she went away

To get help,

I wrote her

Twice a week for eight months

But I never heard back.

Put my feelings to the side,

Never again

Her happiness is more important

Never again

But Facebook told me that

You have a new man now

A tall pale dude

With neck tattoos

Looking like he just stepped out a grave

But seriously, neck tattoos?

Who the fuck gets neck tattoos?

Guess I’m out of the game.

And he always gives me glares,

Tell him he don’t want none of this

I’m taking boxing now

I swear.

I swear this isn’t an attack…

Okay, maybe it is

And I do apologize

For our affair.

Cuz it never was a relationship,

It was a codependency

I know that now.

I hang with the fallen angels,

Yeah, I know that crowd.

Heart sounds like broken eggs,

Yeah, I know that sound.

But if it weren’t for my friends,

Then I probably wouldn’t be here.

If it weren’t for my music,

Then I probably wouldn’t be here.

If it weren’t for my poetry,

Then I probably wouldn’t be here.

But if it were up to you,

Then I probably wouldn’t be here.

Okay, that may be too much guilt

To put on you

That’s on me

But still, here’s my fuck offs:

Fuck my ex girlfriend

Fuck her new boyfriend

Fuck these emotions

Fuck these wrong choices

But most of all,

Fuck the fuck

That wrote this.

But this last fuck off,

Is a special fuck off

A “dedicated to you” fuck off

But not like a, “You fuck off”

But like a, “Let’s do a fuck off”.

So on the count of three

Repeat after me,

“Fuck any ex that made me feel this way

Fuck any ex that makes me feel like a mistake

I deserve better”.

It’s like after she took my virginity,

She was gone.

That’s it,

End of story.

I’m sorry,

This ain’t an attack

But like my friend Kim said,

I believe in love,

I just no longer believe

It’s even for me.

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Sunshine And Lollipops

So here's another about heart break, brought to you by me.

Sunshine, lollipops

And rainbows,

Everything that’s wonderful

Is how I feel when we’re together.

I can hear luck laughin’

I used to be optimistic…..

What the fuck happened?

Stuck in this life

Without a buck or a bite

Stuck and I’m like

“What the fuck happened?”

There’s a hole in the dam!

But tell me who’s gonna care?

Not the dudes with affairs

Or this loser who stares

With a full head of hair

Whose stupid and losin’ his cares

Damn, I hate boyfriends,

So here’s another about heart break

Brought to you by me

But often, you see,

I lie through my teeth

And it’s really causing me grief.

Silly us,

Let’s get serious

And I apologise

If you hear me cuss

But really just,

It’s really just

And I’m feeling accustomed

To searing puss.

Black ink for red blood:

I put all the words that burn

And hurt the worst

In verse, I thirst

And give birth to inverse

Quirks with no perks

Either that or

Whatever works.

I’m a non-composed fool,

Falling for women

I know I’m not supposed to.

I'll write it in notes too,

Sitting atop a toadstool

Like all the gnomes do

With thoughts like,

“Don’t let’em control you,

You old fool,

You so lose.”

Now picture that.

Giving 

But not giving back,

Just picture that,

I come spiraling down

Like a ziggurat.

Just picture that,

Bipolar like,

“I’m glad I’m alive

And I wish I were dead”.

But the wishes were spent

On vicious regret

Wishin’ you could

Push in reset.

Black ink for white lies:

See, a vulture

Isn’t supposed

To bag himself a phoenix

So pack your self esteem and

Put it past your feelings

The past is appealing

But it’ll never come again

So instead

I’ll play death

At a game of chess.

Take your bets

And wait for breath

But I’m just a major pest

With no way to vent.

Designed to fail,

I wish I never took a peak

Behind that veil

What I found was Hell.

I’m still trying to define myself,

Maybe it’s best I’m on my own

I’ll still resign to

Welts, blistered feet,

And calloused hands

Make up this callous man

Whose morale is damned.

Imbalanced and

I can admit this,

Hell, I could never

Lie to the audience.

I’m an emotional cripple

Take me in my sleep

Apnea and cough syrup

A lost spirit

Who got lyrics

And robbed purists

Like lost tourists.

So, what’s my aim then?

Who to blame then?

In this play pen

When this pain ends?

Make sense?

I could explain

If you give me a second.

In return, I’ll let you take ten.

Why wait?

Just seal my fate

But careful while doing so,

I just may feint.

I’ve been asked why my poems

Are so depressing.

I responded with a

“Life aint full of

Sunshine, lollipops

And rainbows,

Everything that’s wonderful

Is how I feel when we’re together."

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